


LaN: KU Ficlets

by TGP



Series: LaN: KU Universe [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Accidental kidnapping, Alternate Universe - Police, BAMF!Hinata, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, F/M, Gen, Hatecrush, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Jiraiya is a letch, Kakashi has complicated feels, Karaoke, Kyuubi the gang leader, M/M, Multi, Orochimaru is a creepy creepster who creeps, Poker Night, Shino is the cool kid, Super Secret Ninja Uchiha, The Hyuuga are a mob, Turf War, Worst Cops Ever, barbeque
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-01-21
Updated: 2011-01-23
Packaged: 2017-10-14 22:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 7,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/154356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGP/pseuds/TGP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ficlets for the Law and Nindo: Konoha Unit (Previously Lawl and Order: Konoha Unit) universe. Because I can. </p>
<p>I've done what I can to remove anything spoilerific now that LaN is being fleshed into a real story but tread lightly.  Not all of this is necessarily canon for LaN anymore, so keep in mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What the fuck is that?

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU. The characters showing up in this story may be twisted and misplaced, pairings will be numerous and changing, and the story will swing from amusing to dramatic whenever I feel like it. It is also written completely in prompted drabbles which may be a few pages to a few paragraphs long, and in third person present. Feel free to give your own prompts. :D
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything that might be mentioned throughout the story, including cheese danishes.

“What the _fuck_ is that?”

Naruto rolls his eyes and sighs because, obviously, it should have been easy for anyone to figure it out. “A jackalope.”

By the look on his face, Naruto’s pretty sure Sasuke doesn’t understand the immense importance in having a jackalope on his desk. Or that Sasuke knows what to _say_ to that. Haha, score. Naruto 1, Bastard 0.

“Honestly, Naruto,” Sakura chids as she passes by with an armful of files and a look of distaste on her face. “That’s unsanitary!”

“Eeeehhhhh? You don’t like it?!” At this, Naruto is crushed. He was sure she’d be overwhelmed with the amazing sight.

“Why would I like a stuffed and mutilated animal corpse? Ugh, _you_ …” she mutters as she goes on by once she’s given Sasuke a star struck look he ignores. And Naruto leans forward in his chair to gaze past the bastard and get a better look at her backside. Sakura is one of the few female officers that wear a skirt to work with any frequency and he’s sure as hell going to enjoy it.

Naruto shouldn’t have been surprised when Sasuke’s hand smashes into the back of his head and he lands face first on the ground. Immediately, he’s up spitting and snarling and Sasuke doesn’t fucking _care_ , the bastard, but when Naruto starts in on what a bastard the other man is in the middle of the office and how he’s just jealous Naruto’s doing better on his case… Well, Sasuke can only take so much stupid at one time.

It takes four guys to pull them off one another and while Sasuke lets it happen, Naruto’s still spitting fire and making all sorts of threats that don’t even make sense (“-and even your _ancestors_ are gonna feel it when I -”) but that’s over soon enough.

It can be said Chief Minato is soft on his son. Detective _Kushina_ , on the other hand…

“NARUTO!” is the only warning any of them hand before a fist smashes down onto Naruto’s head hard enough to throw him right out of the others’ arms. Kushina glares as Naruto moans and rolls around on the floor, holding his head. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Stop embarrassing your father and I! _Honestly!_ ”

“Now, now,” Chief Minato murmurs in an unsuccessful attempt to placate his wife. Sasuke loses interest. He jerks himself out of his own team of officers and walks pointedly back towards his desk. Only, he pauses by Naruto’s and glances back as Naruto starts up off the floor. He waits until Naruto’s looking at him before delicately picking up the jackalope… and tossing it across the room, over four desks and two ducking officers, past stacks of paperwork and ringing phones, through one open window with masterful ease.

Naruto’s scream of dismay precedes the crash of the poor totem as it smashes against the pavement three stories down.


	2. This was a mistake, obviously.

This was a mistake, obviously. Sasuke looks over the other postings to see if his name shows up elsewhere… and of course it doesn’t. Neither does his new _partner’s_. Lifting his eyes from the sheet, he glares at her from across his desk. This _had_ to be a mistake. The useless pile of nerves in front of him is the sorriest excuse for an officer he’s ever seen.

“P-p-pleased to work with you,” she says, fiddling with her fingers and decidedly not looking at him. How the _fuck_ did this girl pass the exams?

Sasuke looks at the sheet again and scans for that idiot Naruto, who _also_ needs a new partner since his went off to Sex Crimes a week ago. The idiot got saddled with some guy named Akimichi that Sasuke hasn’t heard of. It doesn’t make him feel better that Naruto’s got a rookie. So does Sasuke. He glares at her again, watching her shrink away. This is just getting more and more pathetic.

“…Nice to meet you, Hyuuga,” he says, teeth grated while Hyuuga Hinata wilts even farther.

“N-Nice to m-meet you…”

Sasuke has a headache. He’s pretty sure it’s not going to be his last.


	3. Hitch Your Wagon To A Star

His parents told him when he was little to always dream big.

“Hitch your wagon to a star,” his mother told him with a gleam in yellow eyes.

He remembers that even now, long after the horrible car accident that took not only took their lives but ruined his. He remembers to dream big. He even chose a star to call his own (Mimas, a moon of Saturn. Not a star, per se, but he likes it all the same for it’s pop-culture reference.) In a way, he thinks of this as how he’s kept them alive and standing at his side as he goes through life.

Or, rather, _someone else’s_ life.

He can’t help but smile at the way his subject squirms on the table, how the squirming lessens with every second while the toxins work their magic. He watches the light slowly fade from her eyes. It ignites within him a great happiness. So much faster this time! Seconds, rather than minutes! He wonders if it were merely the point of entry or merely how ridiculously powerful the toxin was…

Well. That was why he continued experimenting, now wasn’t it?

He watches until the body is still and quiet, then rests the bell of his stethoscope down against her chest, right over her heart. He listens as her heart patters once, twice more, and then it’s over. He smiles.

“Dr. Orochimaru?”

The smile vanishes as he’s interrupted. He glances back over his shoulder, taking an instant to recognize his assistant.

“Our investors will be pleased to know we’ve made progress,” he says. Not that he really cares much about this particular vein of his research, but it _does_ foot the bill for his other interests.

“Oh?” his assistant murmurs, coming closer to view the body as well. “No signs… Amazing work, Doctor.”

Orochimaru smiles. Perhaps he’ll let this one live a week or so longer before putting _him_ under the knife. Or micro-syringe, that is. He might dream big, but sometimes big dreams come in small packages. And maybe he likes it better that way.


	4. Poker Night

Most police departments have poker night at least once a year. The Konoha PD does it every week. With copious amounts of alcohol and cheating. They don’t play the game so much as see how long it takes to be caught and proven false. Cheating is an art form raised to its highest measure.

Kakashi has never been caught and rarely loses. Not that he really cares about playing, of course. It’s much more fun to watch the young ones get flustered and frantic as alcohol deadens their finesse. He wishes Itachi were here tonight, but the little weasel’s out in the field on a long term case. Pity. Itachi’s never been caught either and he knows just what to say to get these brats fired up.

Some time after half-passed-drunk, a regular game of cheat poker became _strip_ poker. Kakashi hasn't been paying attention. He's getting to the good part in his novel, the climax of good and evil between the angelic seductress and her repentant demon prey, when he hears a sudden outraged snarl.

“What do you mean I should fold?!” Naruto growls out in disgust as he glaresat his ex-partner. Sai gives him the same pleasant look he gives everyone.

“When you lose the hand, you’ll be forced to reveal your tiny penis to everyone and therefore lose any and all respect they had for you.”

“It is _not small!_ ” Naruto whines, already getting up. “I’ll have you know that I put horses to shame!”

“Pigmy horses, maybe,” Sai responds calmly.

And then Naruto shucks his boxers and wow, Kakashi didn’t need to see that. He pretends he didn’t and stares resolutely at his book as the rest of the group starts yelling, cheering, and what have you at Naruto’s might-possibly-be-tiny-or-horselike wang.

Kakashi is going to get Minato for tricking him into being the designated tonight.


	5. Minato should have realized that sending Kushina and Kakashi on a stake out together was a disaster waiting to happen.

Minato should have realized that sending Kushina and Kakashi on a stake out together was a disaster waiting to happen. It didn’t matter that they’d been partners since Minato had had to give up being active in favor of running the department or that both Kushina and Kakashi were distinguished officers. This was always a bad idea and it always screwed up in ways Minato hadn’t even thought possible. In ways that _shouldn’t_ have been possible. He wishes he was more surprised than he actually is.

“The fork was necessary?” he asked, voice bewildered as he holds a receipt and his wife gives him the most sour look. He doesn’t think he deserves that. Not when he’s having to do deal with _this_.

“Very necessary.”

Kakashi nods with utmost seriousness. Which is laughable when he adds, “As was the vasaline.”

Minato looks between one to the other, noting bandaged wounds and bloodied clothing, having seen the disapproving looks of the nurses he spoke to when he came to claim his detectives, and then just rubs his head. He’s too old for this. Maybe that’s why Sarutobi resigned almost as soon as Minato joined up.

“…I’m not even going to read the report,” he mutters.


	6. He Hadn’t Intended On Kidnapping Anyone

He hadn’t intended on kidnapping anyone but Kiba’s man enough to take the opportunity when it slaps him in the face. Okay, so maybe he _shouldn’t_ have but… The guy was _asking_ for it. In a totally not gay, non-sexual fashion, of course. Actually, his dick would probably shrivel up and die if sex and this guy got used in the same sentence.

Hyuuga Neji, heir to the Hyuuga Foundation and one of the richest bastards in town, glares at him so hard from the back seat that Kiba’s kind of surprised he hasn’t burst into flames yet. Except that it’s way more likely he’d end up covered in ice. _Jeez_.

“It is _not_ my fault you were in _this_ taxi,” Kiba says stubbornly, making sure to keep on the car ahead’s tail. The Fox Corps guys are wickedly _bad_ drivers and they’re in fine shape today. Which means they’ve nearly killed someone every block and caused enough damage to other cars that Kiba’s surprised theirs is still running. If they hadn’t totaled his cruiser first thing, he wouldn’t be in this situation.

“Can’t you just drop me off?” Neji grouches out, then grunts as a quick turn throws him into the door.

“I am _not_ losing these assholes! Call it your civic duty or something!” Kiba shouts back. He really hopes he doesn’t get the department sued. That would seriously suck. But he’s not about to let these idiots get away from him. Beside him, Shino just sighs a little and wonders how he got dragged into this. They were supposed to be at a crime scene so he could do his job. Why did Lee have to have gone to get them coffee right when the Fox Corps was trying to knock over the bank across the street?

Kiba’s cut a lucky break when the foxes manage to not only scrape across two more cars but then crash head long into a park _fountain_. Fucktards! Kiba’s out of the car almost before he can get it into park. Then he’s after them as the two idiots stumble out of the car. He knocks the legs out from under one, then throws the other to the ground. Behind, he can hear Shino taking down the other guy like it’s nothing and, okay, Shino’s just a freak like that. A freaky bug… guy. Yeah. He’ll think of something better when he’s trying not to get the snot beat out of him.

By the time they have the two cuffed and a squad car on the way, Kiba’s got a black eye and a busted lip and Shino looks like nothing happened at _all_ , the bastard.

Hyuuga Neji hands them a card with an attorney’s name on it. Fuck a duck.


	7. The art of texting is lost on the Uchiha and the Namikaze find this hilarious.

“ur fly iz down.”

Sasuke looks at his phone for a few moments and then calmly deletes the message _without_ checking if it’s true. He doesn’t care that it came from Detective Kushina because like everything else she’s ever texted him, it’s probably a joke he doesn’t care to join in on. She seems to think he has a sense of humor. Sasuke is quite happy without one.

The art of texting is lost on the Uchiha and the Namikaze find this hilarious. Sasuke isn’t sure why. He’s even less sure why they insist on bothering him when he’s out doing real work. Like _solving cases_. Because that’s what police officers _do_. Except apparently it isn’t because they keep _wasting his time_.

His phone buzzes the familiar tone of the Chief. He flips it open without a thought and then he just kind of stares. _Seriously?_ What is this man, _ten?_ Sasuke thinks about tapping in a reply but frankly, texting takes too long and he’s never gotten very comfortable doing long replies like the one he’d really like to give now for that damned family sending him such stupid things.

The next text he gets is from Naruto. Sasuke decides owning a cell phone is overrated.


	8. Lost in Translation

Naruto thinks there’s something to be said about just killing a guy. None of the mind games or the elegant entrapments, no. Just killing someone. He wishes there was more of that around there. Well, you know, not more killing people of course but less of these really fucking _weird_ murders.

While Chouji’s losing his lunch on the other side of the dumpster, Naruto sits back on his heels and wishes he had a stick to move some of this around. There are _pieces_ laying all over the place and if there’s a pattern, Naruto doesn’t see it. The other guys already confirmed that the chick was dead before she was chopped up but seriously. Mind games.

Behind him, he hears Chouji stop gagging and come around. Naruto feels for him. Two weeks on the job and he gets a case like _this?_ Bad luck. At least Naruto had had a few months of simple shit.

“So, what do you think?” Chouji asks uneasily.

Naruto shrugs. “Well, it’s not the Fox Corps. They like smaller pieces.”

Chouji looks so queasy that Naruto thinks he might hurl again, but he doesn’t. He takes a few deep, slow breaths and then murmurs feebly, “Someone new?”

“Dunno. We’ll check the MO against the database, see if we can’t figure it out. Can’t think this ain’t been seen before…”

Naruto gets up. He surveys the pieces with an annoyed sigh. It seems like they’re supposed to be telling him something but he doesn’t have a clue what. He hates it when perps throw little puzzles at him.

It’s a day or so later before they find out there aren’t any leads. This isn’t the first time a pile of parts has landed in their laps but either the murderer was already in jail, dead, or hadn’t been identified. The only oddity of it all was finding high amounts of snake venom in the body. Near as forensics could tell, she’d been bitten by an unknown variety of snake, died, and then been chopped to pieces.

Naruto hates the mind games. He hates them even more when they’re used on other people. He doesn’t know who this sick bastard is, but he’s going to find them and they _will_ pay for this. Believe it.


	9. Trust building events and sexual harassment seminars.

It should have been easy. Being decent human beings, surviving the clash of powerful personalities without a public incident, easy. They were all adults, after all, and they should have had the capacity to put it all behind them in the public eye…

Right. Minato rubs his head. He really shouldn’t be surprised how fucked up his people are, considering how fucked up the village is. Enough that there’s no way to get them out of this day of seminars. On building _trust_ … And because _someone_ had to be an _idiot_ and run his mouth at _Mayor Tsunade_ on _public television_ , sexual harassment too. Minato rubs his head _harder_.

Amazingly, once everyone has filed into the stuffy, non-air conditioned classroom and found their seats, it takes them a whole ten minutes for someone to fuck up. Minato is not surprised that it’s his son, nor that Sasuke starts in next, and then Naruto’s yelling curses and Sakura pops in… After that, it’s like a train wreck. A horrible, insane train wreck.

Thankfully, Mayor Tsunade likes him and owes him a favor. That’s probably the only reason why none of his officers have been thrown into an _asylum._

By the time they leave, Kakashi has been caught reading porn in a _cabinet_ , Hinata has to be rushed to the hospital for fainting after Sasuke looks at her wrong, and Minato runs out of aspirin. He thinks about quitting but, to be perfectly honest, who the hell else would willingly take this job…?


	10. The Monthly Barbeque is worse than poker nights, and Hinata wishes she knew why people keep losing their clothes at these events.

Hinata wonders if maybe she should have skipped on this but there was the chance to see Naruto and maybe get up the courage to actually talk to him this time. That is, if he’s not busy fighting with her partner. And there is a big con there. Sasuke _hates_ her. She’s pretty sure he’ll shoot her himself if she makes a mistake on the field so she’s very careful not to. He may think very little of her but Hinata knows how to work hard.

So, she goes to the monthly Konoha PD barbeque once she’s finished choosing an outfit that best shows off “hardworking but feminine” and it doesn’t include a skirt because she’s pretty sure Sasuke would take it as another reason to hate her if she dared be less than fully prepared to defend herself and the village from an invasion of every country on the planet. Her pants are sturdy and she has way too many knives hidden in inside pockets. Her shirt isn’t anything like the showy things she sees other women wearing and the light jacket she has over it hides her back holster perfectly. Her shoes are comfortable, well broken in, and good for the long haul.

She couldn’t resist leaving her hair loose or the pretty little pearl barrettes in it. Maybe Naruto will notice…

When Hinata makes her way through Chief Minato’s house to the back lawn, she stops dead in the doorway and just kind of stares. Maybe she should have expected that the barbeque be worse than the poker nights and she wishes she knew why people keep losing their clothes at these events.

Kushina and Sakura are screaming at the tops of their lungs and clutching their arms around their bared breasts and Jiraiya from archives has their bikini tops and is waving them around while Naruto offers to show himself to make Sakura feel better and Sasuke snarls out something about ripping it _off_ if he has to see it and-

Hinata swoons. Thankfully, that nice detective Kakashi catches her and lowers her down to the porch with one arm. She happens to look across to what he’s holding in the other and the sight of cartoon breasts with something _thrusting_ in them is what turns her swoon into an outright faint.

She wakes up later on Chief Minato’s couch and Sakura is checking her vitals, thankfully with her bikini top back on. Hinata thanks her profusely for fussing over her and Sakura waves it off. Her cheeks are still red from anger and outside, Hinata can hear Naruto fighting with Sasuke, as usual.

Hinata stays long enough to prudently taste the steaks Kiba somehow managed to save from the huge brawl, but then she slinks away and swears up and down _never_ to come to one of these again.

…Unless maybe Naruto asks her to.


	11. The quiche was nice, but the boy was better.

So it’s been a month since Chouji joined the department. He can’t say he’s enjoyed every minute of it, but to be honest, he expected it to be worse. Konoha isn’t a town of all hearts and flowers. It’s not as bad as Kiri or Iwa, of course, but Konoha has it’s own slew of psychopaths.

Still. He can’t say he’s really _enjoyed_ it. Chouji knows he’s doing something worthwhile and that his job is important but a month was enough to make him want to quit. The job is bad enough but the _people?!_ The entire department is insane!

He begins wording it up in his head as he carries a package that everyone else was too busy being crazy to deliver. It’s very polite and regretful and hopefully his father won’t mind if he asks to work in the restaurant again. At least the cook only throws things when Mr. Nara comes around to gather his father for a drink. Mr. Nara has a way with women.

Chouji sits the package down on its specified desk before actually realizing the owner of the desk is staring at him. He straightens with a jerk, blinking. For a second, he thought it was Mr. Nara, but the guy staring at him is much younger with no scars or facial hair.

“Uh,” Chouji finds himself uttering. It’s really weird to have someone stare at you that hard.

“You wouldn’t happen to be an Akimichi, would you?” the guy asks.

“Uh. Yeah. I’m Chouji.”

“Ah.” He takes the package and fiddles with it, looking rather bored.

“Are you… I mean… Do you know Nara Shikaku…?”

“My dad. I’m Shikamaru.”

“Ah.” Chouji belatedly notices the name on the package and realized he’d subconsciously gone to the right desk without actually realizing it. Then he feels pretty stupid, but Shikamaru doesn’t seem to mind. He’s busy carefully opening the box with the same bored look on his face. Chouji watches because wow, those are some really nice eyelashes. Well, if one were to notice eyelashes. And he wonders how long Shikamaru’s hair is when it’s not in the ponytail… Which Chouji really should stop doing.

Shikamaru glances up at him with some confusion and Chouji realizes he’s been standing there entranced for way longer than he should have been. He quickly utters an apology and excuses himself, but Shikamaru’s voice gives him pause.

“Hey. When’s your shift over?”

“Uh. Seven?”

Shikamaru looks back to his package, which apparently contained what looked like a quiche in saran wrap and a hand written note. “There’s a barbeque place around the corner.”

For a second, Chouji doesn’t really get what Shikamaru said. When he does he just grins and two minutes after seven, they’ve got a table.


	12. Kyuubi

The first thing you learn when you join the Fox Corps is not to pry into anyone’s business. Prying gets you killed in messy, disgusting, painful ways that take a very, very long time. Willful ignorance isn’t quite bliss but there are things about the organization better left hidden in a corner to rot on their own.

The second thing you learn is that your life is useless as soon as the boss decides it is and there is nothing you can do about it. Once as you get this rule, everything else is easy. It’s even easy to see your friends die because hey, at least it’s not you. And there’s no leaving the chaos of the Fox Corps. When you’re in, you’re in, whether it’s what you wanted or not. The boss doesn’t care.

The third thing you learn is not to mention the Namikaze family except for their youngest, Naruto, and only when it’s known for sure you’re not going after him. Namikaze Naruto was the boss’s prey and he guards his prey viciously. Which is not to say that you aren’t allowed to rough him up a bit if he gets in the way of a job, but there’s a fine line between “roughed up” and “injured” that seems to change depending on how the boss feels. It’s best to walk a very cautious line. A guy bruised one of Naruto’s ribs once. He didn’t die until two months later in absolute agony and perfect clarity.

Sometimes, the guys wonder if Namikaze Naruto knows how obsessed the boss is about him. They doubt it. Naruto is an idiot, plain and simple. Always in the way. They’re all waiting for the day the boss gets tired of the chase and goes in for the kill. None of them have gone unscathed from that guy’s inescapable luck.

Not that you should tell the boss to hurry up. _Ever_.


	13. “I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can’t figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome.”

In general, Kushina is a pretty happy person. She has an adoring husband, energetic progeny, a good home, and a rewarding job. She even enjoys her partner but then again, she’s known Kakashi since he was no higher than her waist. When she looks at him, she can’t help remembering Sakumo.

Of course, Sakumo would _never_ have been caught dead reading porn at his desk in the middle of the day.

Kushina doesn’t hit him, but only because she’s used to this. Instead, she leans over his shoulder and reads a page or two with him before deciding that is not, in fact, anatomically possible and the whole thing is horseshit. Probably written by a man because all bad porn was.

“Did you need me for something?” Kakashi asks absently after Kushina gives a third snort of disgust over his reading material.

“I wanted your opinion on something,” she replies before dragging out her cell phone and thumbing through to her picture gallery. She selects one and then holds the phone in front of the book.

Kakashi is quiet a moment, uncovered eye rather focused on the image. “Ah…”

“I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men,” Kushina muses as she thumbs over to another. This one is particularly interesting. “I can’t figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome.”

Because she has amassed at least ten images now of her husband making out with various guys. Or, rather, getting made out with because he never seemed quite into it but they all came from his phone. She knows all of guys, of course. They’re current or ex-cops with a few firefighters from the KFD mixed in. Usually, the heavy rivalry is enough to keep them from working on a prank like this but maybe a few beers and a common hilarious goal is enough to soothe their egos.

“Is that…?”

“Oh yeah. That’s Inuzuka Kiba.”

Kakashi lifts off his chair and cranes his neck to catch a glimpse of the younger man as Kiba thumbs through a file muttering to himself while Lee dialogues. Everyone in the department is used to that after his mentor, Gai, who’d left the department to start his own fitness center so he could share the power of youth with the world.

“Huh,” Kakashi mumbles, looking back through the pictures. Kushina hopes seeing his mentor that way will spark some kind of nervous breakdown. That would be _hilarious._

“Might be fun,” she says absently as she flips to a photo containing none other than Jiraiya from archives. “Rolling around with a stud like this. Think Minato would get involved or just watch?”

Kakashi says nothing. Kushina can’t help but grin. And then she gets a better idea.

“Hey, how about you attack him too so I can add to my collection? I have to say, it’s pretty hot to see you boys dominating my poor little Minato like this.”

A tiny noise escapes Kakashi’s throat. It’s pretty pathetic. Kushina just grins wider.

“Hm? What are you smiling about?”

Kushina jumps nearly three feet in the air. The phone goes flying out of her hands. “M- _Minato!!_ Don’t you sneak up on me like that, you brute! Why, I’ve got half a mind to-”

She would have said more but Kakashi pushes her out of the way as he slides out of his chair, her phone in hand. He grabs Minato’s shoulder and then plants a wet one right on his lips. There’s a click of the shutter but Kushina doesn’t hear it. Her wide eyes are glued onto the sight because… hot damn, that’s different in person. And it _is_ pretty hot.

When it’s over, Minato sputters and half the department is staring. The other half have learned to ignore shit like this. Looking very pleased with himself, Kakashi hands back the phone.

“You owe me,” he chirps out.

Kushina supposes she does.


	14. I’m fucking amazing.

Most of the time, only the main desks are noisy. The department does actually contain normal people. Or, rather, slightly less odd people. Okay. Maybe just quieter people.

Usually, Aburame Shino fits in this category. But usually, he hasn’t done something this phenomenal. Shino gives himself a moment of congratulations. He’s not usually the one to put the pieces together so quickly. Not that Shino isn’t good at his job, of course, but facts are only one side of a case. This time, the miscellaneous data made all the difference.

It’s with his head held high that he carries his compiled data across the floor and sets it down on Naruto and Chouji’s joined desks. Both men look up, a bit bewildered. Then Naruto gingerly takes the folder and flips it open.

“What gives?” he asks before he has time to actually read anything.

“I believe you may find this beneficial to your case,” Shino says and he might not have managed to keep the smugness from his voice. Either way, neither of them seem to notice. Chouji peers over the desk to read the file upside-down until Naruto slams it down on the desk and jerks to his feet.

“You!” he says and it takes Shino a moment to realize he’s elated. Then Naruto grins. “Damn, I could kiss you! Except not because you’re you and that’s so wrong, but seriously!”

Chouji takes the file and rights it to read himself. He’s pretty impressed. Shino successfully resists the urge to smile.

“How did you…” Chouji trails off and then he’s grinning, too. No doubt, he’s appreciating the way Shino painstakingly identified the venom in the pile of parts case (an artificially modified and strengthened form of venom from the Mamushi snake) then tracked any known scientific projects at local colleges or research laboratories working with snake venom (twelve current studies, only three using Mamushi). It really is a rather good bit of detective work that he didn’t need to do.

Shino reaches up and adjusts his darkened glasses. Calmly, he returns to his lab. There are other cases, after all, that he left on the wayside to get this done.

As Shino closes the door behind him, he smiles and murmurs to himself, “I’m fucking amazing.”


	15. Homonyms

Tenten sits down at her desk with a quiet huff. One week on the job and she’s met her soul mate. She’d been unsure at first but now it’s too obvious to ignore. Tenten’s in love but the man of her dreams has yet to realize this fact.

Beside her, Ino gives a heartfelt sigh and Tenten knows immediately she’s just as smitten.

“You’d think he’d notice by now,” she says with sympathy and Ino give a little nod as she rests her head on one hand with a soulful look at the most perfect man on earth. Tenten gets her own eyeful.

“He’s just so… _wonderful_ ,” Ino says.

“That jet black hair…” Tenten replies.

“Coal black eyes…”

“Strong, lean body…”

“That _scowl_ …”

“Legwarmers…”

Both women stop and look at each other. It takes them a second to realize what they’ve just said.

“You like _Lee?!_ ” Ino squeaks out.

“How could anyone go for _Sasuke?!_ ” Tenten replies, just as bewildered.

Ino laughs. She rests back in her chair, giggling to herself as she looks back on to where Lee is lecturing Sasuke on the importance of early morning exercises.

“Wow,” she says, still giggling. “Well, at least you’re not a rival.”

“I could say the same,” Tenten murmurs. She leans on her desk with a little smile. Well, if a babe like Ino can’t see the perfection of Lee, all for the better. Now she just has to weed _Sakura_ out of the competition. That will take a bit more work… but Tenten’s up for it.


	16. It's complicated.

Kakashi was a beat cop for a long time before he went into homocide. He doesn’t think anyone really remembers that, which is fine with him. To be honest, Kakashi rather likes the supposed mystery surrounding him and the stories the younger officers keep spinning around him. The only ones who know him for real are Kushina and Minato. Which kind of complicates things for him.

The fact of the matter is Kakashi has some pretty messy feelings tied up in those two. Some of them are appropriate. Some of them aren’t.

The first time Kakashi met Minato, he was nine and Minato had just joined the force as his father’s partner. He’d thought the guy was kind of useless, honestly. But Minato was nice and always made sure his father came home safe. That meant more to Kakashi than just about anything else.

And when Kakashi found his father lying in a pool of his own blood when he was eleven, it was Minato that kept him _breathing_.

Kushina is a different story. Kakashi wasn’t there for the initial meeting, but he saw most of the actual courtship. He was living with Minato then, after all. Kakashi hadn’t cared for Kushina at first because she was so loud and brash and kept going on tirades… but there was something admirable in her tough-as-nails exterior. Even with that ridiculous red hair.

He’s not really sure when he started feeling other things for them. He supposes it doesn’t really matter, since he doesn’t plan on doing anything about it. They’re _married_ , after all, and Kakashi rather doubts Minato’s the kind to be up for threesomes. Especially with a guy he practically raised. He’s pretty sure Minato _still_ thinks of him as that kid. At least Kushina didn’t meet him until he was past puberty.

Kakashi sits back in his chair. He glances across the office with his arms folded behind his head and spots that very couple speaking in front of Minato’s door. They fit, he thinks. They look really good together. Looking from one to the other, Kakashi indulges a moment and imagines himself there with them. Talking about useless little things, seeing the glint of affection in blue and violet eyes, smiles just for him… It’s a nice enough little daydream.

He’s sure there are plenty of people who would say he had some kind of disorder. Some kind of trauma based attachment, a coping mechanism. Kakashi doesn’t really care. He knows what he feels, even if he has no intention of doing anything about it. Whether or not it was induced because of how his life has gone, this is how he is and he has no regrets.

No big ones, anyway.


	17. The Lion Hearted Girl

The Fox Corps tend to be messy, when it comes to cleaning up their trail. Unfortunately, anyone with the slightest chance of being prosecuted tend to end up dead. Kyuubi’s good at cleaning up loose ends, at least.

Hinata keeps this in mind as she tries to slow her racing heart. She checks the clip and counts bullets before loading the clip again and checking this or that. Just to make sure. They don’t know if there will be resistance, but Sasuke is checking his gun, too. She wishes she had a bulletproof vest but knows that would do little good. Foxes liked headshots on principle, at least from past experience. It would still have made her feel better about this.

“Ready?” Sasuke asks but it’s not really a question so much as a command. Hinata nods as if it were anyway. Her hands aren’t shaking but her stomach is clenched tight and she wants to puke. Sasuke would never let her live it down if she did, though, and Hinata isn’t going to give up the tiny vestiges of respect she’s won from him.

They break into the confirmed Fox Corps safe house with a team of fourteen, weapons flashing and shouting out. Hinata’s surprised at her own voice, but she took the same training as everyone else and she knows that intimidation is a tool available to her just as easily as to Sasuke.

Hinata sees a man behind her fall before the first gunshot registers. And then it’s a flurry of instincts and training. She’s shooting with precision from one side of an overturned couch, tracking every faint hint of movement behind the partial wall separating the living room from the kitchen.

“Cover!” Sasuke hisses at her and then he leaps over the couch before she realizes what he’s said. She might have called him a fool, but she’s too busy keeping the Fox pinned down as Sasuke streaks across the living room. There are shots all around the house, even outside now, but Hinata is deaf to them. All that matters is keeping her _idiot_ partner alive!

Sasuke survives. He barely looks like he broke a sweat at all in the end. Hinata wants to hate him for that but as tired as she is after this day, she can’t quite muster any more disdain than she ever had.

They take four men alive and unhurt. Six more are sent away in ambulances. Another three are dead. Five officers are injured. It’s a rather successful raid, in all honesty, which is kind of sad. Usually, you don’t take down Foxes without a fifty percent fatality rate or more.

When they’re finished with the paperwork and various other duties, Sasuke catches Hinata’s arm. She thinks for a moment that he’s going to berate her for something and starts thinking up ten million things that might be, but he doesn’t.

“Good job,” he says, frowning as if this is a bad thing.

It's this image that Hinata keeps in her mind from the day’s raid and it makes her smile with pride as she curls around her pillow that night.


	18. Win some, Lose some

“I’ll tell you where you can stick it,” the disgruntled man on the table snarls out after Orochimaru _very nicely explained_ what he was going to do with the syringe. He’d thought he was providing a kind of common courtesy. Apparently, that is too good for this kind of riff raff.

“Is that so?” he murmurs absently, loading the syringe with his newest adaptation of venom. His research is going very well lately, no small part due to his employers and their generous donation of bodies. “Well, I suppose even your type have the right to give their opinions.”

The man snorts. He glares at Orochimaru as if he has some ability to be cowed. It would be almost cute if it weren’t so pathetic. And then the guy has the audacity to grin.

“If this is some freak way of getting my attention, you can quit ‘cause you’re not my type.”

Orochimaru pauses. His eyes slowly slide over to the man’s face as he feels a slight amount of bewilderment. Did he honestly hear that correctly?

“I’m sure I’d weep if that meant anything,” he says finally and then injects the guy, who hisses with faint pain. Orochimaru has to admit; he was purposefully rough. Can’t have his victim thinking he might be interested. After all, Orochimaru likes them younger, surlier, and with dark hair. What he wouldn’t do to have that young cop in his hands…

“What are you smiling about?” his victim mutters and he’s already starting to shiver. “Just promise you’ll wait… until I’m _actually_ dead… to start the necrophilia…”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Orochimaru muses and he smiles at the flash of panic in the man’s eyes.

“…Win some… lose some…” are his last words. Privately, Orochimaru thinks the latter part is the only bit that really fits.

He takes great care not to touch the body more than he has to in the dissection and dismemberment, though he won’t admit the nameless victim’s accusations stick with him.


	19. Quit looking at my eyes. My boobs are down there.

It’s Umino Iruka’s birthday.

Iruka hates his birthday. It’s not that he gets upset over the gaining years or has some complex about celebrating his birth. No, what he hates about his birthday is that four or five years out of seven, it’s on a weekday and half the time, right before school lets out. Weekdays mean school days. School days mean students, but even that’s not the worst part.

The worst part is _Mitarashi Anko_.

It’s his birthday today and it’s a _Wednesday._

Iruka manages to avoid her most of the day. Someone told his students what day it was and he’s inundated with apples, which will come in handy because _he’s going straight home_. With the last bell, he pokes his head out the door and then merges with the crowd. He gets all the way to his car.

“Iruka! I heard it’s your _special day!_ ”

He suddenly wishes he’d never been born. Slowly, Iruka turns to give Anko his best fake smile even though he’s pretty sure she can tell. But Anko doesn’t care about that.

“I’m driving,” she says cheerily. He pretends he doesn’t know what she talking about.

“My car’s fine and I’ve got tests to grade-”

“Iruka, honey, stop looking at my eyes. My boobs are down there.”

“What?” But he looks anyway without even thinking and, yes, they are down there and, yes, they are something rather admirable… And that’s when something smashes into the back of his head and he wakes up an hour or so later in a bar.

A karaoke bar.

In hindsight, after Anko and the other teachers manage to get him on stage to sing some new idol’s song that he’s never heard before, Iruka thinks he has a pretty damn good case to sue for battery and a host of other things, including cruel and unusual punishment.

The only upside is that eventually some of his old students get there and at least when Naruto’s belting out a tone-deaf chorus, Iruka doesn’t have to be on stage.


End file.
